So after missing out on the fabled 4th place thanks to defeat at Manchester City, Villa were left with the not too difficult task of securing sixth spot ahead of Liverpool. To do that all we had to do was beat Blackburn (again)……..but you know Villa. It was like a replay of game number one against Wigan. Ineptness supreme. Should still have won it, but when they scored on 83 we all knew it was game over. Luckily, Liverpool are even more inept as they could only gain a point at Hull, meaning 6th was ours. And that was it for another season………it’s been mostly excellent, shame we had to sign off so fucking hopelessly.

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Chelsea and Man Ure have really been the shit we can’t shake off our shoe this season. Apart from the well documented Wembley defeats, and the embarrasing 7-1 at Wankford Bridge, Chelsea beat Villa in the FA Youth Cup final, 2-1 over 2 legs. And the reserves lost the Premier Reserve Play Off at Mold Trafford on penalties, despite leading 3-2 with 2 minutes to play. What a bunch of bastards.

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Oh gawd……the fan forums are already swamped with speculation about summer transfers. There are some muppets who will spend the next 3 months in these inane threads, typing out wish lists and claiming we have “x million” to spend, when in reality they know fuck all, just like you and me. Very, very boring and a must to avoid. Unless you pop in every now and again to take the piss of course.

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Randy Lerner held a rare press conference yesterday, and I’m thankful that he has in a matter of seconds put a few rumours to bed that the doomsayers would have been spouting all summer.
1. Milner is going nowhere – hoorah!
2. The manager is staying – hoorah!
3. Money will be available – hoorah!
4. North Stand to be redeveloped – hoorah!

Anyone that picks negatives out of that lot really needs a length of rope and a stool.

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It also seems apparent that Villa are “transfer listing” Luke Young, Curtis Davies, NRC, Sidwell, Shorey and Beye.
Not happy about losing NRC or Young……..and it doesn’t seem sensible to sell the only two right backs at the club at the same time. MO’N obviously intends to leave Cuellar The Beard in that position (that’ll annoy a few people!!). Still, if we replace the outgoing players with new players of better quality then no one will be complaining. Take note, Mr O’Neill!

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Not much going on regarding the Villa, but we have sent a strong squad over to compete in the Hong Kong Sevens ( a competition we’ve won on 4 occasions). Villa got through the first three games with 2 wins and a draw and progress to the next stage. small heath are in it as well (fuck knows why) so I hope we draw them and give them the usual hammering.

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So Chelsea completed the first “double” in their history when beating Pompey 1-0 in the FA Cup final. But those two teams fans apart, did anyone give a flying fuck about the final this year? It must have had the lowest viewing figures of all time. Someone really needs to break the stranglehold the “Sky 3″ have got on the trophies (yes, Liverplop arent in it anymore and Spuds arent going to stay there).

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Well it seems the young Villans lifted the Hong Kong 7′s trophy for the fifth time with a 3-2 win over Glasgow Rangers in the final. Marc Albrighton (2) and Delfoneso were on target in the final………that news was gleaned from the VillaTalk site – the useless Villa OS havent got any details apart from the scorelines of all our ties, and thats almost 24 hours after the fact. Looks like small heath fell by the wayside, as per usual, hahahahaaa.

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Latest ludicrous rubbish from the fansites……….”Carlton Cole is a bargain at £10 million”………..”Daniel Sturridge is a quality goalscorer”………are these people on fucking drugs or WHAT?????

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Well our last hope of grabbing 4th place well and truly disappeared as those horrible mockney bastards from Shite Hart Lane followed up their 2-1 win over Le Arse with an impressive victory against Chelsea by the same scoreline. I felt dirty wanting Chelscum to win but it was never going to happen. I laughed quite heartily when that pus-filled boil of a human, John Terry, gave away a penalty. And the laughing was increased later on as he got a red card. You deserve it SO fucking much Terry, you pathetic excuse for a homosapiens.

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They needed drugs to keep everyone awake at the Sty as small heath settled for yet another 0-0 draw, this time against Hull. As you obviously know, we play these fucking horrible dirty unwashed inbreds next Sunday at our place………and I cannot in a million years see them scoring a goal against us. Only Wolves and Wigan have scored less on their own patch than these jokers. Hopefully next season they will get sussed and return to their rightful place in the league – bottom.

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Scoreline: Wigan 0 Arsenal 2. And with ten minutes left to play you’d not find many people willing to put money on a comeback by the Pie Tasters. But come back they did, and a 3-2 win was a pretty remarkable turnaround. Arse wouldn’t have won the league anyway, but seeing their fans snivelling in their seats at the final whistle was more than satisfying. The Laughing Policeman was playing somewhere in the background…..especially when Arse Whinger wouldn’t concede the title race was beyond his Franco-Wankers. Hahahahahahahaa!

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Watching Villa against Portsmouth at my old man’s gaff, I found it amusing that the commentator kept referring to Villa’s “outside chance of 4th place”. What a muppet. Villa fans wrote off 4th place quite a while ago. It’s only cabbages like SkyScumSport who keep mentioning it, hoping to give some sort of interest to a game that wasn’t of any great worth.
Still, I want us to finish as high as possible, above Liverplop hopefully, and a 2-1 win on the south coast was good enough for me, even if the performance was a bit ragged. John Carew scored his 16th of the season, and also missed his first penalty in 6 attempts. We should have had two more penalties but yet another clueless referee decided he was only going to award one spot kick, whatever the evidence. At least we got to see Delfouneso score his first league goal, and very well taken it was too.

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Wet Spam are lucky bastards. Lucky that Hull and Burnley are so shit, or the Bubble Blowers would be cast iron certs for the drop. How funny that would be, since PornoDwarf and Werewolf Gold have only recently took over. Last night they not only bent over and proffered their ringpiece to Liverpool, they fucking lubed it up as well. Plop won 3-0 without breaking sweat. Fat Spanish Waiter probably thinks 4th is still on. He’s more deluded than their phlegmy followers.

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Well that was enjoyable. Hull 0 Villa 2 and we were never in any kind of danger. It was a great team performance, but the defence were back to their best…..Dunney and in particular Big Red Collins were superb. Gabby scored a top drawer opener and from the 13th minute I just knew this game was in the bag. James Milner put it beyond doubt with a 75th minute penalty after great work from John Carew. Even the ref was pretty decent for a change. Apart from not sending that horrible fucktard Fagan off. He was niggling at our players all night, and when he eventually picked up a yellow he should have been getting a red. Typical ex-small heath retard. The lower leagues will probably suit him though, and that’s where Hull look destined for. Shame for the rest of their team but what did they expect? Sacking Tango Brown is all well and good but appointing Face Ache Dowie in his place? Guaranteed to not win another game if you ask me, he is a shite manager.

*******

Only 3 days rest for the boys, and then it’s small heath’s Cup Final – playing a decent team at a quality venue is a big day out for the knuckledraggers. No doubt they will sing their two songs ad nauseum………let’s ram it down their throats boys, dirty syphilitic scummers.
Oh and a word of warning – if you’re in the Lower North and don’t like bad language you’d better bring earplugs because I am going to give Gardner such a fucking verbal hammering, he won’t know what day it is (he probably doesn’t anyway because he’s a thick wanker)

Another forlorn and empty return from Brent, the arsehole of London. But it could have been oh so different had the referee in charge had the courage to do what was right.
The day started off well, arriving in the pox ridden capital at around 2.15. We immediately got some cans from Tesco and took a walk up the hill to The Green Man.
The place was absolutely fucking heaving, people slashing everywhere, mountains of empties, and a good number of Villans who I can guarantee will have no memory whatsoever of what happened on the pitch. Good job we took our own ale as getting served was impossible. Our gang decided to return to Tesco and stock up on more reasonably priced cans.

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The weather was lovely for a change and we entered Wembley at around 4pm. Up all those escalators to the top tier – we had chosen the cheap seats this time. And what a fucking improvement they were on the £70 ones we had against manUre! Better view, better atmosphere, and half the fucking price. I’ll certainly remember that should we have to suffer another trip to this bombsite.
Anyway, the game started, and there were few chances of any note from either side. We looked OK and the cockney filth hadn’t really bothered Hellboy at all. At half time it was 0-0 and things were looking OK. But once again the referee, this time Howard “I’m bald I’m Hard” Webb shat his shorts and refused to point to the spot after Gabby was felled in the penalty area by Obi-Wan-Kenobi Mikel. A fucking scandalous decision.

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It didn’t get any better in the second half, as this time John “Human Scum” Terry took out James Milner thigh-high. Milner is lucky he wasn’t hospitalized. And Terry got just a yellow card. More spineless refereeing from slap head Webb. Then with two thirds of the game gone, Drogba scored with what must have been his first shot on target. We all knew then that it was “game over” as, hard as they tried, Villa didn’t look like scoring if they played til midnight. Of course the fuckers with all the money then scored two late goals and made it look like they’d pissed it, which was certainly not how it was. For the first time we actually heard the plastic pricks in the blue half of Wembley make a noise. Also, with ten minutes left, you know you’re fucked when you bring Heskey on. Not exactly a game changing impact player is he?

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And of course to rub salt in the wounds, Portsmouth upset the Candle-Wax-Faced applecart and against the odds beat Spuds 2-0 on Sunday to go through to the final. We’d have been red hot faves to beat them at Wembley – as it is it looks like Chavski only have to turn up to claim another fucking trophy. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s getting a bit bored with the same 4 teams winning everything year after year. At least Man Citeh look like securing 4th place.

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Whilst on the subject of Citeh, I was mildly amused to watch them totally destroy small heath 5-1. Our nearest and not so fucking dearest were absolutely slaughtered and were lucky not to concede more than we did at Wankford Bridge. Hopefully they’ll get physically mashed by relegation bound Hull next Saturday, softening them up in time for their “biggest game of the season” at Villa Park. I want to at least see Craig Gardner in traction after being kicked to fuck by Petrov and Collins, the dirty lying turncoat bastard.

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In the wake of us being shafted up the wrong ‘un by the ref (again) at Wembley, our manager has “had a word” with Referee’s Chief Mike Riley. I doubt Riley was as sympathetic as MO’N makes out as he was also a fucking clown of a referee. At the end of the day they all stick together. Amazingly, Webb is the English rep at the World Cup. Probably because he’s bald and acts hard, can’t be because of his shite officiating.

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So on the face of it, a 2-2 draw with Everton is pretty much the end of us grabbing 5th place let alone 4th. In fact we started the better team by far but fell behind to a free kick that should never have been. This was an early indication of a fucking abysmal refereeing display yet again. Mr Atkinson might as well have been Rowan, in a Mr Bean suit. The prick gave the scousers every decision possible. Even the fans were singing “We always get shit refs”.
Villa worked their knackers off to get back into it and Gabby levelled in the second half……..only for Villa to hand the Time Wasters the lead again 60 seconds later. Both goals by that horrible greasy criminal Cahill.
Oh, and did I already mention time wasting?
Everton wasted time from goal kicks, corners, throw ins. Their players pretended to be injured to waste time and get the game stopped, only to miraculously recover two minutes later. And not one of these instances drew a booking from “Rowan” Atkinson. So it was only fair that the scouse knobs scored an OG in the 91st minute to salvage us a point. There were 5 minutes of added time at the end of the second half. 15 would have been more realistic. Fuck you Moyes you boggled eyed scottish turd, and your team of time wasting snidey fucktards.

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Sometimes I fucking hate football.
OK…….not many Villans would have put money on Villa winning at Wankford Bridge, but I can guarantee absolutely fucking NO ONE could have forecast a seven goal belting. And at half time we were hugely unlucky to be 2-1 behind as the referee seemed yet another Big Four Homer. It all went to shite after the break though. Seven fucking one. And they left Drogba on the bench!!!
Obviously we will now have our revenge at Wembley, Pompey will beat Spuds and we’ll piss the FA Cup.
Yes…….I am on drugs.

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We get raped, and typically every other result went against us, with Spuds, Liverplop and Man Citeh all winning. I know it aint over til the chubby tart sings but I’ve pretty much given up on 4th. Wouldn’t be shocked if Everton sneaked in, but my money would be on Man Citeh

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And following our worst defeat in decades, a painfully bad radio station and a terribly awful Red Top are running stories that our manager has handed in his notice and will quit at the end of the season. Someone, somewhere is really stirring the shit and trying to unsettle things on the Good Ship Villa. I wish they’d fuck off.

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Well there’s a surprise….Martin O’Neill is still our manager for the trip to Notlob. We need to erase last weeks fuck up with a good solid performance today. And that’s basically what we did. A 1-0 win is nowt to be sniffed at, and Ash scored a top, top quality goal. And the fans gave the manager 100% vocal backing. Good news was Spuds lost, hahaha. Bad news was Man Citeh are now clear in 4th, and with the Yids having to still face the Top 3 that last Chumps League spot is Citeh’s to lose.. Bastards. Liverplop couldn’t beat small heath at The Sty either – a draw was about the only result I could have stomached.

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Oh dear oh dear…….I can’t believe some of these “sports journalists” get paid to come out with some of the complete and utter fucking bollocks that they do – and it always seems to be about us. Latest “story” in the Sunday rags has Mark Hughes taking over the Villa Park hot seat next season. I’ll tell you what lads, why don’t you fuck off and “write” about the clowns down at Bordesley? I’m sure you’d get a few laughs in the process.

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Two days after Chelsea beat a Shrek-less Man Ure at the Theatre Of Rapists, THIS comment was the top headline on BBC Sport website: “Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti says Premier League title rivals Manchester United are a weaker side without striker Wayne Rooney.”
Well, duh……ye don’t fucking say? I’d never have considered that Carlo, you must be some sort of footballing and tactical genius to come out with stuff like that.

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The waves of spunk emanating from the North East will tell you that Newcastle have been promoted back to the top flight. Oh how I’ve missed them. I really have. Watching their fans fight amongst themselves, piss and puke everywhere, and show their hairy unwashed arses through the coach windows as they approach Villa Park is undoubtedly a highlight of any football supporters season. Welcome back, Neanderthals.

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Excuse me while I have a good laugh – BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
That’s better.
The cause of my merriment was the TV cameras capturing the utter gloom and dejection of the Norwich-scarf-wearing wankers who inhabit the Theatre Of Rapists. Oh the joy as they all look about to burst into snivelling tears. All because a superb Arjen Robben goal has put them out of the Chumpions League. Deep, deep joy. The TV commentator sounded as gutted as those dirty cockney Mancs looked. Oh dear, I think I’m going to piss myself in a minute.
Well done Bayern Munchen – and a bit of retribution to all those mouthy gobshites who were giving it the big ‘un at Wembley against us (while their team were about to lift the Cup they were outside gobbing off, fucking cretins). You deserve to win absolutely fucking nowt.

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Oh well, that’s it for now – I am preparing meself for a second visit to the blot on the landscape known as Wembley. Let’s hope Villa can conjure up a bit of claret and blue magic on Saturday!

You got to hand it to Hodgson – when Fulham employed Woy I didn’t think he’d even be able to save em from the drop. But he did that, and the following season they qualified for Europe (and they’ve gone a damned sight further than us!). After their 3-1 Europa league defeat at Juventus only a mad man would have bet on them progressing…….well any mad men out there must have made a shitload of cash as Woy’s Boys beat Juventus 4-1, that is some fucking turnaround. Woy must be a good shout for Manager Of The Season

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Well……..the game against the Dingles didn’t go by the fucking script – in fact at the end I was happy to avoid defeat. And after the first twenty minutes and another John Carew goal, it looked a case of “how many”. But something went drastically wrong, we conceded an awful equaliser, and a Jimmy Milner OG saw us go in behind at the break.
Matters weren’t helped by referee Twattenberg who doesn’t seem to like Villa Park or it’s players very much. The feeling is totally mutual. Then with less than 15 minutes to go MO’N played his usual pointless substitution of someone off, Sidwell on. Can’t remember a sub coming on to such deafening silence. This time though, Sidwell hadn’t read the normal script, and his goalbound effort was touched in by Carew to level the game.
This was a game we should have won, and the points dropped will probably fuck us up as the season draws to a conclusion. Too many players had an off day though – Warnock and Downing were cack, Carlos struggled at right back, Jimmy worked hard but was substandard. Ash, JC and Petrov were all great though. At least we never lost…………

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The Dingle fans were a scabby looking bunch. The majority of them were fat, shaven headed neanderthals that looked like they’d never seen a bar of soap. And the blokes were even worse. And their repertoire of songs were all stolen, mainly from scummy small heath and their nearest and not so dearest Boinging Bastard Olbiyun. Although the Villa fans didn’t make themselves out to be MENSA members by singing “Empty seats m’lord” when huge swathes of the Upper Trinity and Upper Holte were uninhabited by Villa fans.

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Still, we did get something to laugh at after the game, as Sunderland put dirtyinbred small heath to the sword at the Stadium Of Shyte. Heh……I love the fact their brain dead syphilitic followers thought they’d got a chance of finishing in a European place. I can hear the Laughing Policeman as I type.

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Oh dear, they’re at it again up at Car-Toon Town. It appears that Steven Taylor has got his jaw broken after being smacked by the lovely Andrew Carroll. Taylor is out for the season, and unsurprisingly Carroll is due in court soon after being bailed on a seperate act of violence. Newcastle seems to attract a better class of thug these days. Not forgetting King Of Chavvy Thugs Joey Barton is still there drawing a huge salary, as no one in their right minds wanted to sign the brain dead bastard. What a joke of a club.

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Wolveszzz followed up their point against us with a fine 3-1 win at Wet Spam. That should see Wolveszzz staying up. As for Wet Spam, the only chance they have of avoiding the drop is if Hull and Burnley continue to be laughingly bad. And as they have two clueless managers in charge (Laws and Dowie) the bubble blowing barra-boys might just escape.
Be nice if they went down though, Porno Dwarf and Dildo Gold would have no fucking chance of blagging the Olympic Stadium. In fact they’d be lucky to get one made out of Lego, cockney tossers.

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I don’t usually have any interest in politics. Politicians are all self serving bastards who only look after number one. So it was with some dismay I saw in the governments pre-election budget that they are increasing the price of cider by 10% ABOVE inflation.
What a bunch of dirty fucking arsebandits.
Why don’t you pick on Pink Gin, Bollinger or Chateauneuf Du Pape ’59?
Labour’s already slim chance of getting my vote just went up in a whisp of Harold Wilson’s pipe smoke.

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Champions League? It seems we were indeed having a laugh. Our third consecutive draw in a game we really should have won, gives Villa a mountain to climb now if 4th spot is to be achieved. A 1-1 draw with Sunderland at Villa Park was simply not good enough. And now Everton are up our jacksies after they won 2-0 at Man Citeh. Deja Vu Time.
Villa did more than enough to win last night but some poor finishing, good saves from their keeper, and yet another fucktard of a referee all conspired to make things impossible. After falling behind it was Big John Carew who scored his 14th of the season to level it up. He almost had a second but Gordon saved superbly – and the knobend ref gave a goal kick. Every time there was a 50-50 call he went against us. Clueless fucking muppet.
I was also disappointed with Delfouneso, who replaced Emile “Man Of Glass” Heskey after about 12 minutes. I thought he’d do the business but in my opinion he looked very ordinary. As did Darren Bent. The high scoring England man has looked no more than average every time I’ve seen him.
So, onto Stamford Bridge on Saturday…….not looking forward to that.

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At least there was one thing to laugh at on Wednesday night – inbred unwashed small heath losing again. This time it was Blackburn that did the good deed…….and David Dunn scoring both goals in a 2-1 win must have made the knuckledraggers even more pissed off. Yes…….The Laughing Policeman is, yet again, playing in the background as I type.

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I feel sorry for anyone that paid to watch Stoke against the Villa. Listening on the radio was painful enough. Two teams with little idea up front. One team thats only plan is to win throw-ins. We really need to be beating the likes of Stoke if we want 4th place. Another striker should be top of MON’s summer shopping list. But saying that why didn’t he stick Delfouneso on? The kid seems to have the knack of nicking goals, and the fact he threw Gabby on for the last 13 minutes made little difference. Still, at least we never lost!

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Someone else that never lost was dirtyinbredunwashedknuckledraggingkiddyfiddling small heath. Everton, you must be fucking shit to let these clowns recover from being 2 goals down. And there are as-yet undiscovered beings on distant planets in another solar system that KNEW Turncoat Gardner would kiss the scummy badge when he scored. And yesterday that’s exactly what happened. What a fucking prick. Can’t wait for the derby now, as I’ll be giving Liar Liar the full treatment every time he’s within earshot. Slimy little tosser.

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No doubt the tabloids will be a wailing and gnashing their teeth now it seems Beckham will miss his “swansong” world cup due to injury. I’m sure the millions he’s made, the fame and fortune, and the adulation of millions of sheep will soften the blow somewhat. Shame for him I know but if I had his bank balance I’d soon get over it.

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SkyScumSport’s Monday night game was Liverplop versus Pompey. A poor ‘Plop still ran out easy winners, 4-1. Shame that, as before the game they were on the same goal difference as us. Now we really have to beat Wigan. Oh and just a word about Stevie Starfish; tonight he smacked a Pompey player in the back of the head, and amazingly the ref gave a foul but no card of any kind. He was immediately subbed by the Fat Spanish Waiter. Gerrard is utter scum. If he wasn’t rich and famous he’d be in fucking jail now, how he got away with that nightclub incident is anyone’s guess. Fucking scouse tool. Shame it wasn’t Starfish that copped for the injury Beckham has suffered.

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Phil TangoMan Brown got the sack after Hull lost at home to Le Arse, in the 93rd minute. Strange decision as Hull had played rather well. Still, it seems that the Board at Hull have some kind of death wish as they have appointed Ian Dowie as Brown’s successor.
That’s the Dowie who has won…….errrrr…….fuck all as a manager, and got fired more often than not. No wonder small heath are comfortably mid table when there are clubs like Hull about, being run by brain-deads.

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Another win on the road for Villa at Wigan – but it was too close for comfort. A 2-1 win is just what we needed but we had goals disallowed for offside and Kirkland had his usual man of the match peformance against us. Still, it mattered not – after a fortuitous OG gave us the lead we immediately conceded an equaliser. Then up stepped Super Jimmy Milner to bag the winner……another all action lung busting performance from the Jimster. The last couple of minutes were the obligatory squeaky bum time but we held on for a more than deserved victory. That puts us nicely in the frame for that elusive 4th spot. Also we are still unbeaten in 2010 bar the cup final, which is pretty good going in anyone’s book.

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I see Jose Mourinho stuck it up Chelsea as Inter knocked the cockney Blues out of the Chumps league. I’d like to say it’s a shame, and the more English teams that progress the better, but I’d be lying. Fuck Chelsea and their moneybags League Of Nations. Only drawback is they’ll probably be going all out for the FA Cup against us, just in case they fuck up in the Premier League as well. Mourinho is probably the only manager I’d like to see at Villa instead of MO’N. Wankers like John Terry don’t deserve to win Europe’s biggest trophy.

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Had a very heavy night on the booze Friday, so I had a nice lie in on Saturday. In fact I was asleep when my cellphone started buzzing (calm down Ashley) not long after 2pm. The incoming messages made it pretty plain that Portsmouth had done football a huge favour by knocking small heath out of the FA Cup. The Laughing Policeman has been on heavy rotation all afternoon, hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

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Just watched Tottenham Hoofspurs draw 0-0 at Fulham. Hoooooooooof to Crouch. Hooooooooof to Crouch. Oh and not forgetting hooooooooooooof to Crouch.

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Welcome aboard the roller coaster ride that is supporting Aston Villa. Sat down in front of the box to watch Villa at Reading, just 90 minutes between us and Wembley.
By the end of the first half it was more like 90 million light years. Villa were, to a man, fucking abysmal. Easily our worst performance of the season, and deservedly we went in at the break 2-0 down. Some of the posts on the Villa forums were, in hindsight, comedy gold.
But still, our season looked like imploding – but whatever Martin O’Neill said or did in the dressing room at half time had the desired effect. Villa pulled a goal back through Ashley within 70 seconds of the restart. Then it was The John Carew Show. Big John had already had one goal disallowed for a very dodgy offside call, but he headed us level on 51. At that point it was only a matter of “when” we scored again, and JC put Villa in front just 5 mintes later. Three goals in just over 10 minutes had turned the game around. Fantastic stuff.
And to top it off Carew won a last minute penalty which he despatched into the net like a fucking exocet. Hat trick completed! And a return to the wonderful Borough Of Brent!!!

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Well I can’t say I’m too upset at getting Chelsea in the draw; I’d rather play them now and risk losing than meet them in the final. And IF we can dispose of Bumboy Terry and his cronies we’ll surely be favourites to win the Cup for the first time in 53 years. We are well overdue……..but it’s a big if.

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Just switched the Radio WM sports phone in. Heard a small heath supporter saying that people were coming out of Fratton Park in tears.
I can hear the strains of The Laughing Policeman in the background, ohhhhh hahahahahahahahahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
How I’d love to be the guy who does that radio show, I’d have a fucking field day with the unwashed ‘Noses.

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Good result for Villa last night as Wigan turned over Stevie Starfish and his boys. The wheels aren’t exactly coming off at Wankfield but they’ve certainly got a couple of punctures. Now we need Villa to capitalise on Scousepool’s fuckup and make sure we take a MINIMUM 1 point at Stoke on Saturday. It’s a tough game, but we can do it.

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Yes its that time again – season ticket renewal time.
Now…….I’m a huge fan of Randy and co, but I’m not particularly happy at the price increases. Once again the Lower North has had a huge £50+ hike, and for the worst part of the stadium I’m not impressed with an almost 20% increase.
Yes, I know it’s still a decent price.
Yes, I know we are going places.
But I’d rather Villa sorted out a lucrative shirt sponsorship deal than hit loyal and hard up supporters in the wallet. And yes, most of the fans who inhabit the Lower North do so because of financial constraints. So for us to get the biggest increases doesn’t make sense. It’s all well and good under 8′s getting £75 season tickets – us fucking adults are paying for it.
Still, even after a good fucking moan I’ll still be there next season.

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Aston Villa’s reserve team really is the dogs bollox. Top of the table and five points clear of the nearest challenger, and unbeaten all season. We have players like Bannan, Clark, Lichaj, and particularly Delfouneso and Albrighton, who are way too good for reserve games. This was shown only too clearly tonight as we thumped the dirty unwashed small heath spastics 4-0. And we had two goals disallowed. Wiemann, Albrighton and Delfouneso(2) put our scruffy no-mark visitors firmly in their place.
135 years of being in our shadow, no wonder they don’t like us very much.
I almost feel sorry for ‘em.

Nah, do I fuck!

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As Villa didn’t have a game on Saturday I put The Jeff Stelling show on TV. Hoping for the teams around us to drop a bollock, and of course small heath NOT to get another flukey one-goal win. Which is EXACTLY what the Scummers did. “Penalty at Birmingham” reported Matt Le Tissier, “but he’s conned the ref a treat, Fahey took a dive and the ref’s pointed to the spot”.
So now along with being jammy small heath have started cheating. Naturally the 45th minute penalty was the only score in a dire match against Wigan. I’m telling ya now……..next season these flukey pricks are going to be found out. They have had 10 years luck in one season, the fuckers.

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OK, let’s get one thing straight from the start – I CANNOT understand how anyone can go to Wembley, spend a shitload of cash, watch their team lose and then say “it was a great day out”
Watching Aston Villa lose is NOT ” a great day out” for fuck sake. There is FUCK ALL great about losing in ANY match to ManUreScum, let alone a cup final. So if you’re one of the happy campers that had a “great day” watching us lose…………I despair.

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The day started off well enough – our little mob of 4 adults, 3 teenagers and a nipper were on the coaches nice and early and away from B6 just after 9am. Good craic all the way down, and an early start on the hip-flasks of brandy (just the adults of course!). The convoy pulled in at a motorway service station (I know not where) and we went for a walk. It was inside the shops I spotted former Villa keeper Jim Cumbes. I introduced myself and my son, and Jim was superb. He spent almost 15 minutes talking with us about the days game and his career at B6, all whilst waiting for Frank Carrodus to get back from the bog! When they both left I kicked myself as I forgot to get a picture, and I had a camera in me pocket! What a pillock.

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About 3 miles from the Stadium we hit the usual traffic jam.
No problem thinks I…….since they rebuilt Wembley and spent all that money, there’s NO way the car park was going to be the same as in ’94, ’96 and 2000. Surely someone would have incorporated more than one way in and one way out?
Did they fuck. Wembley car/coach park is still the same bottleneck it’s always been. An absolute joke for what is supposedly the National stadium.
But never mind, things can only improve……….or so we thought

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By the time we got off the coach it was windy and starting to piss down, so instead of wandering around the shit hole that is Brent we decided to have a beer in the ground. Not a great choice. Once again, our so-called national stadium fell on it’s arse when it came to catering. Hardly anyone serving spoke English for a start. My mate Big Red Finley approached a kiosk and asked if they had any El Cid;
“No, only bottled lager here, but try at the larger kiosk about 50 feet further on”, which we did. We asked a dude behind the counter if they had cider and he nodded.
When it was our turn, Donaldo ordered 4 El Cids……..only to be told “no cider, only lager”. What a fucking joke. I then saw a guy with bitter……”So you’ve got bitter then?”
“yes” she replied
“But you said only lager?”
She shrugged her shoulders and looked a bit embarrassed.
The bitter was acceptable, but the lager was fucking atrocious. Still, not to worry eh? Those football supporter types will drink anything.
Wembley tossers.

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Onto the match…..and I’ve got to be honest – I didn’t even think about Vidic getting a red card, I was just delirious that we’d taken the lead at such an early stage. Along with the fact that Shrek was only on the bench we all thought things were going superbly. Then the luck ran out. Dunney made a slip, and in putting it right his tremendous tackle rolled the ball to Golden Bollocks Owen who made no mistake. Our lead had lasted all of seven minutes. Not surprisingly, Golden Bollocks went off injured before half time and was replaced by Shrek. Just what we didn’t need.
We got to the break still level and it had been fairly even. So it was downstairs for some overpriced slops and a queue for a slash before getting back just as the game restarted.
Unfortunately Villa just didn’t look like scoring, whereas the RedFilth hit the woodwork twice before that ugly bastard Shrek headed the Cockney Mancs in front with 15 minutes left. I think we all knew at this point it wasn’t to be our day……compounded when we went close and the ball bounced onto the bar and out. Villa grafted but we just weren’t good enough. Can’t fault the lads for effort though, and the fans were tremendous.

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Which is more than I can say for the Pride of South Wales. I left as soon as the final whistle went, and headed out to find Coach 19. Didn’t want to see Shrek and his pals celebrating. I was astounded to see how many of the scumbag manure fans, in their Norwich scarves, were also outside – at the very time their club were lifting the trophy. These glory hunting pricks don’t give a flying fuck about winning the League Cup, which makes it all the more galling to lose to ‘em. To put the tin hat on the day, Big Red Finley lost one of his daughters but thankfully she was found half an hour later……….by which time our coach had travelled approximately 40 feet across the fuck up of a car park.

So in summation:

Fans – excellent
Team – good
Result – shit
Wembley – wank

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A pointless England game tonight against Egypt, and for the last week or so everyone has been debating who’ll get the left back spot since Cashley Cellphone – Rectum – Cole is injured. In the frame are Steven Warnock and Baines from Everton. I just got in from work, put ITV on, and saw that Baines has got the nod. Quelle surpreeeze. I turned it off. OK I know Warnock might get the second half but what the fuck………even Walcott is playing at right midfield. Ashley Young is better than Schoolboy Features and he hasn’t even made the squad. Anyway, Villa have a shitload of fixtures upcoming so leaving our players out of pointless friendlies is a blessing really.

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And that’s it for now. I fully expect Villa to do the business at Reading on Sunday and give us another trip to Wembley. Oh, whoop-de-doo.

View from the North Stand

Some Villa supporters are strange, to put it mildly. Some are deranged enough to want small heath to win. That’s the small heath that have only one aim in their existence, and that’s to beat Villa. It riles me that with the scummers just behind us in the league, some are applauding the fact and saying it’s a good thing.
IT IS NOT A FUCKING GOOD THING.
On one of the messageboards last week my sanity was questioned by some spotty n00b because I was angry when the scummers got (yet another) injury time equaliser, this time against Spuds. The thread was locked before I had right of reply. Well, Mr n00b Who Thinks Small Heath are Nice, you are a word removed. They are our bitterest enemies and if you want to see them do well, fuck off and watch them at The Sty.

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Well, it seems Fabio Capello thinks as much of John Terry as the rest of us. Capello has dumped Terry as captain and rightly so.
Shame about the replacement though. Rio fucking Ferdinand isn’t much better as a human being than Terry the Playboy. Oh well………perhaps James Milner will have a shout in a year or two.

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Fucking hell – Man Citeh must be watching the displays of Richard Dunne and absolutely kicking themselves. Dunney was a behemoth at Shite Hart Lane and along with the rest of our superb defence was the main reason in our grabbing a point from Spurs. If only our midfield had turned up, and given our front men something to work with. Heskey went off injured again, I’m sure he is made of bloody tissue paper. And Spurs fans, what a load of cockgobblers they’ve become. Singing “Boring boring Villa” and “Hoooooof” at us. Cheeky fuckers. The last 15 minutes was non-stop Spurs hoofing hopefully at Giraffe Boy Crouch. Luckily he is shite and our back line held firm.

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Amusingly, Man Citeh went down 2-1 at Hull, which was nice. Not so amusing was lucky fucking Liverpool, who had a man sent off and still nicked a 1-0 win against their Bluescouse rivals. And once again “Stevie Me” was at his play acting, injury feigning, salmon-leaping “best”. Suede headed prick should be in jail.

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Fucking spawney bastards small heath won again, this time it was Wolves who took the lead at The Sty but let that geriatric fucktard Phillips score twice in the last 14 minutes. I simply cannot fathom how a team full of shite journeymen and two of the league’s worst strikers can win so many games. Next season they will be back to the relegation places.

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Oh dear. Some really sad folk on the Villa fansites are STILL under the misapprehension that Deadly PissPants Doug Ellis was a good chairman at our esteemed club. These people really do live on another planet. Many things might get quoted. Many things might get said. But European Champions to relegation in 5 seasons tells it’s own story. All those Doug-O-Philes are just brain dead. And Graham Taylor’s recent tales of Herbert and his tax dodging just put the lid on it. President Emeritus? More like President Enema.

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A draw against Man Yure at Villa Park is a lot better result than what we’ve got used to since 1995, but it could have been much better. We took the lead with a deft header from Carlos, and were unlucky 3 minutes later as Big Red Collins scored an OG. But when Nani got sent off for being a nasty little prick we should have taken advantage. As it was we needed two world class saves from Hellboy Friedel to secure a share of the points.
At least it means we got 4 out of 6 points from the Redscummers, which is a great return considering our fucking dire recent history against them.

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Shame we didn’t beat the Cockney Mancs as Liverplop and Spurszzz both lost tonight as well. But best result was at Upton Park where Bubble Blowing Wet Spam well and truly burst the small heath bubble, with a 2-0 win. I can just imagine Pornodwarf and Dildo Dave really enjoying the night, and the party they must have thrown afterwards probably looked like the set of a sleazy fuck-film. Still……..I don’t mind the pair of freaks now they aren’t associated with the unwashed cretins over at B9.

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Onwards Villa go then – and it’s back to FA Cup action as we travel to Selhurst Park on Sunday for the live TV game. If Villa can’t dispose of Crystal Palace I’ll be very very surprised. And fucking annoyed. But I have a sneaking suspicion that small heath might be on the horizon in this competition………………..

Another great instalment from Rob El Cid but beware he swears a bit !

Just saw a bit of the African nations Cup tie between Algeria and Egypt. “Bad blood” is putting it mildly. Algeria rightly had 3 players sent off…….worst of which was our old friend Nadir Belhadj. Remember him committing an atrocious tackle against us? He did an even worse one against Egypt. Evil fucker should be banned indefinitely for what was without doubt a malicious attempt to injure. Disgraceful.

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Heh……just read about the “top Premiership footballer” who successfully took out a gagging order on the UK media, to stop the story of his philandering ways. Apparently he doesn’t want his family to know as it might put him in a bit of a bad light.
Well, as I don’t have any money and I don’t give a fuck anyway, step forward England and Chelsea captain John Terry – supposedly he was nobbing a team-mates partner (allegedly Mrs Wayne Bridge). All this on top of his dodgy “Chelsea Tours” and his many and varied performances at London nightclubs when trolleyed. What a fine role model he is. Bastard

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Sir Graham Taylor was at a Fans Forum in Barcelona in the week, and he told of the time Villa had bid £1.5 million for Gary Lineker. Herbert Fucking Ellis said no, and that it was too much to pay for one player. Amazingly, just before the March transfer deadline Herbie told Sir Graham he had £1 million to spend, so he put an offer in for Teddy Sheringham. The offer was turned down but GT was told Tony Cascarino was avialable. GT had a £750,000 offer accepted, only for Herbert to put in a bid of £1.4 million!!! Why? Because it was a tax fiddle and Villa had to “make a loss” that season. For pennies extra we could have had one of English football’s greatest goalscorers. Thank fuck Ellis sold to Randy Lerner.

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Jingle bells, jingle bells…….oh what fun it is to see the Villa win away! Another assured performance from the whole team today and a well deserved 3 points at Fulham. Gabby got back into scoring form at last with a brace, the second of which was a cracker. But Richard Dunne was MotM again. He really has been Premier League Buy Of The Season. Man Citeh must be fucking kicking themselves. Which is nice, hahahahaa.

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Bollocks. Saw Man Ure dismantle Arsenhole with relative ease earlier. Hope they are off form at Wembley. I reckon if Dunney can stop Shrek, we will be OK. Still, the spunking in the SkySports commentary box was up to its usual mark when Yure were 3-0 up. Bunch of brown nosing bastards.

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Crystal Palace it is then, in the FA Cup 5th round. Wolves are dire in the league and that form carried on in the cup where they let a journeyman defender score a 6 minute hat trick. Unreal. Well at least it’ll be a few quid for the Londoners before we put them out. (Yes I know it’s tempting fate, but can you REALLY see us losing to Palace????)

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It seems John Terry was just one in a long line of Chelsea players who nobbed this bird. But Terry, being a prat, got her pregnant as well and paid for an abortion. This is the bloke who won “Daddies Sauce Dad Of The Year”. I hope they are going to ask for the trophy to be returned. As for the (temporary?) England Captain, he will soon be jetting off to Dubai to grovel to his wife for forgiveness. I reckon the rumoured £10 million he’ll have to give her might play a more than large part in her decision.

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Villa’s reserve side are doing the business again, and are well clear at the top of the Premier League South table after completing a double over Chelsea with a fine 3-1 win. Have small heath ever been reserve league winners? I think not. Another reason they will always be in our shadow, and there are plenty of reasons I could quote.

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We travel to Shite Hart Lane on Saturday for the ESPN live game against those horrible cockneys of Tottenham. Hopefully in next week’s column I’ll be able to gloat that we stuffed Twitchy Redknapp’s bunch of poseurs and hopped above them in the table. Can there be a more dodgy manager than Melted Candle Wax Face in football? Every team he’s been in charge of has gone to the wall apart from Spuds. To be honest though, I’d take a draw if offered!

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